i write poems of how i’m thick: “i make myself so fucking sick”
and of the things that i keep hidden: “it feels so good; i wish it didn’t”

i have a big database of all the songs i’ve ever written.

i’m constantly tinkering with it & trying to make it more useful & hold more information, bc i’m just the sort of person where that is a genuine hobby. while i was doing this on the weekend, i discovered that i first shared this song on july 2nd, 2010, in the way i always did at the time: posting the lyrics on deviantart & linking to a recording of it on youtube (under the name duckies are the best animal, which was very much just exactly people you meet outside of bars, except i named it when i was like 17 instead of 20). seeing that the anniversary lined up so close with when i was going to next be posting a video made me uhh just. push aside everything i was working on to record it instead

this is a funny song to revisit. first of all, facebook namedrop in the FIRST VERSE. hilariously dated. it’s very fun to play & i do still think there’s a lot about it that’s really good, or i probably wouldn’t share it like this. i’ve played it at shows & it’s one that brings me a lot of joy to just sink into & really wallow in & bark my miserable way through. but doing that means mind-melding a bit with the full tilt mentally ill teenager in unrequited obsessive love who wrote it, & that’s just always… funny. & odd & sweet & horrifying & nostalgic &&&. in 2016, when i put out a tiny themed ep every month, this song was on one with a couple of others playing in that same space. sometimes seeing all of them together makes me a bit 😬

 

she doesn’t owe you anything, kiddo, & also it’s gonna be ok, sorta, eventually.

here’s the first version of this song i ever posted:

in this video i am NINETEEN YEARS OLD & i am EVIDENTLY USING SPIVAK PRONOUNS if the DESCRIPTION IS ANYTHING TO GO BY

but yeah, if you’ve ever for some reason thought “oh hey what a charming young person i should ask em on a date,” DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS IMPULSE. IT IS A BAD IDEA AND WILL NOT END WELL. NO!

..yeah.

i did in fact proceed to not date anyone for almost ten full years after posting this video & i am sure they would beyond shocked at how relatively open to love we have become. i know that they wouldn’t believe it to be possible, because i didn’t. they might not even believe the amount of work they’re going to put into healing a lot of the things that make it impossible to fathom, but i know they are, because i did it.