d204 is a project where i take a list of eighty songs that i wrote & record whichever one comes up when i roll a d20 & a d4

the song

they say, “she loved you,” accusingly
“she loved you,” so bruisingly
i’ll toast to that
i’ll toast to that

the vlog

I don’t blame people for being a little weird about me at the memorial. Like– you know. If all you know about me is that I hurt your dear friend pretty badly by cutting her out of my life because she had… her own problems… you know. That gives you a very strange context for who I am as a person. And some people, I think, are able to hold multiple things at once, and go both, “I loved this person very much” and also, “Maybe she did some stuff that kinda sucked”….

I think that a lot of this song is supposed to be about me trying to keep myself contained in this very awkward thing where a lot of people are putting a lot of assumptions and feelings on me and I’m trying to take them and be very contained. And then near the end, sort of, starting to break out of that, saying like, you know, I was terrified all of the time that I would run into her. I’m going to stay quiet and accept you saying, like, you know, “She missed you”– I’m gonna accept you wielding that as a weapon against me. I’m gonna give you the space to do that. And then privately on my own time, going to counter that argument by thinking about the things that she did that caused me to stop talking to her. My side of the story. Which is not appropriate to bring up at a memorial… and that’s complicated. All of this is complicated.